Things Ents are totally incapable of and why - by
Fladrif-(V)
Middle-earth Food Ads
- started by Eol-(V)
Answering Machine Messages
- by Laurelin Caline-(T)
Adjusting - started by Eowyn-(V) and
Varda-(Valar)
The Pint of Eggnog - story
by Laurelin Caline-(T)
The Tough Guide to Fantasy Land
- by Diana Wynn Jones. Additions by Menelvagor-(Valar) and Wildlife.
Tombstone humor
- started by Ar-Pharazon-(V)
Middle-earth Vacation Spots - started by
Varda-(Valar)
Movie humor
Things Ents are totally incapable of and why:
by Fladrif-(V)
July 5, 2009
0. Sitting down.
|
So nicely flexible as they are.
|
1. Quick meetings.
|
Don't invite an Ent if you plan to do something
else the next two weeks.
|
2. Horse riding.
|
Flat horse syndrome tends to happen.
|
| 3. Keeping track of the
partner. |
Lets stay in the forest they'll come back...400
years have passed
hey wait where are they?
|
| 4. Drinking tea with hobbits. |
It will cause some extra ventilation for the
hobbit house when it's raining..
|
| 5. Going unseen. |
Standing on the market square of Minas Tirith.
|
| 6. Being seen. |
Standing in the middle of Fangorn Forest. |
| 7. Making campfires. |
Even the sound of a Nazgul is more friendly then
the popping of a campfire. |
8. Being friends with the
Golden King of Numenor.
|
For obvious reasons, although for every rule
there is an exception.
|
| 9. To look like an Ent. |
It always ends up looking like an evil human
whichever MMORPG is tried. |
| 10. Traveling abroad. |
Herders of all trees, as if there are no trees
in Mordor! (psst don't tell them the truth or they will truly never
start to travel)
|
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Food:
by Eol-(V)
"Burger King celebratest the release of The Lord
of the Rings with a New Combo Meal!
Trekking across Middle-earth can work up a big
appetite, but now adventurers of all sizes can satisfy that hunger with
the
Moria Combo Meal.
It's an exciting taste that bards will sing of for
ages to come! We've taken our flame broiling to the extreme with the
new Balrog Burger. It's grade A beef seasoned with the hottest peppers
and spices from the world over, then seared to perfection. It's Balrog
served up hot and juicy, just like Gandalf would!
Good thing our Moria Combo comes with an icy cool
Ent Draught, the latest refreshing soft drink from Coca Cola!
And no meal would be complete without our golden,
crispy Frodo Fingers! They're America's Favorite.
Plus, each Moria Meal comes with a secret prize. But
if you find the One Ring, you'd better get that Combo to go!
The Moria Meal, for a limited time, only at Burger
King."
Any other menu suggestions?
--Eol
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Answering Machine Messages
by Laurelin
Caline-(T)
July 2003
Gandalf:
“Hello, you’ve reached the ol’ wizard. I’m on an errand right now,
fighting Wargs and Goblins. Please don’t bother taking a message, for I
won’t be around for a couple of years. I hope I do see you then; until
our next meeting.
Bilbo:
Hi! You’ve reached Bilbo Baggins. I am off onto yet another journey to
Rivendell, or I may be helping dwarves find their long-lost home. Oh,
no, I’m probobly petting my Ring.
If you are Gollum; I’ve still got sting by my side, so don’t you try
taking my ring!
But if you have gotten my old Ring please press 2; I should very much
like to hold it again one last time.
If you are a mindless hobbit: don’t even bother leaving a message: I
don’t want any visitors, well wishers, or people of distant relations
bothering me!
If you are Gandalf press 3, and I expect you to leave a message this
time before badgering in with some measly Dwarves puckering me off on
another adventure!
I hope you will live happily ever after, until the end of your days!
Goodbye!
Frodo:
Hello! You’ve reached Frodo Baggins (a.k.a. Ringbarer, or Halfling) I
am off to Mordor to destroy the One Ring. Please throw me a party when
I return, for I would have saved the world.
Oh and ya, please don’t forget to have a fill-in buddy trim the hedges
and plant flowers while I’m gone; Sam is coming with me.
Pippin:
Hullo! I’m off eating a Dubble-King-Mac or off on an adventure. Oh, no!
I couldn’t be… I’m hungry…. I might be out lifting carrots, tomatoes,
cabbage, and mushrooms from Mr. Maggot’s crops…. Mmmm…. That’s making
me hungry. I think I need my second-breakfast. Goodbye!
Nazgûl:
Hello people of the real word. Come to us. We have candy for you. Bring
us the Ring. You cannot hide. We see you!
Aragorn:
Aiya. Hello. I am Aragorn, High King of Gondor, Chieftain of the
Dúnedain, Elessar, Elfstone, Evinyatar, The Renewer, the Healer,
Estel, Hope, Strider, Wingfoot, Thorongil, King of the West,
Dúnedan, the Deliverer…… beeepppp….
Sam:
Hello. You’ve reached Sam Gamgee the Gardener. I am out right now
planting and tending Frodo’s garden, call back or leave a message:
Press 1 if you’d like to do business with me.
Press 2 if you’re Rosie and would like to marry me.
Press 3 if you’d like me to run for mayor… again!
Thank you for calling!
Sauron:
I am the Ruler of the World. I shall diminish all living things and
rule
them all in shadow. I will wear again the Ring of Power and punish
those who held it against me. It is my Precious. My own. My One Ring
that
will rule them all:
Ash nazg durbatulûk, ash nazg gimbatul,
ash nazg thrakatulûk agh burzum-ishi krimpatul.
And so it will be.
There is no life out in the Void… only cold… only death.
…. This message will self-destruct…..
Gollum:
My preciuouss it’s lossst… me wants it! It’s mine! My Birthday present!
Bilbo tooks it! Give it back to me! Lossst! Mine! Gives it back! Gives
it to meeeeeeee….. this message is over……
Arwen:
This is to Aragorn: I will not give up. Not that easily. There is still
hope left. So don't you give up on me. May the Evenstar protect you and
remind you of me. I will meet you once again. Maybe so.... Ú
i vethed... nâ i onnad. Boe bedich go Frodo. Han
bâd lîn. (This is not the end... it is the beginning.
You must go with Frodo. That is your path.) Si peliannen i
vâd na dail lîn. Si boe ú-dhannathach. (It is
already laid before your feet. You cannot falter now.)
Ae ú-esteliach nad... estelio han. Estelio ammen. (If you
trust nothing else... trust this. Trust us.)
A si i-Dhúath ú-orthor. Ú or le a ú or
nin. (The Shadow does not hold sway yet, not over you and not over
me.)
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Adjusting to Being in the Fellowship
Legolas:
-by Eowyn-V and Varda-Valar, Jan 24, 2004:
Legolas looks back to see the rest of the Fellowship
break through and flounder in the snow: "I can't take you anywhere!"
The half-blind party can't see the crebain or the
orcs coming. The crebain are just another cloud to them. So
Legolas tries to figure out what the party's eyesight range is so he
doesn't
have to do all the guard duty day and night. "Can you see them
now? How about now?" In exasperation, he shoots an orc and props it in
front of Gimli. "Now?"
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The Pint of Eggnog
by Laurelin
Caline-(T)
August 9, 2003
Many years ago, in the Kitchens of Mt. Doom, Sauron
the Dark Lord mixed, in secret, a glass of Eggnog. One that he would
drink and never thirst.
"What orders from the Kitchen, my Liege, what does
the chef command?" the Orc, Zerg, asked Sauron.
"Build me a cup worthy of Maia Eggnog!" Sauron
proclaimed.
"As you wish, sire," said Zerg.
They worked for many days and finally they were
finished. Sauron was about to take a sip, but in that moment, a man
dressed in lion cloth came swinging by on a vine and took the cup from
Sauron’s hand. Isildur took the Eggnog. Sauron's thirst would yet be
quenched, for he had put a spell on it so all others who glanced at his
drink would be tempted to take it, and return it to his hands so he
might be refreshed.
Isildur was killed by orcs who deeply desired to
have a sip, leaving the drink by a river. Many years past, and the Cup
had been forgotten. Until, when chance came, it ensnared a new drinker!
Gollum took it deep into the freezers of the Misty Mountains and there,
he dehydrated. For all that he dared to do was stare.
Bilbo came along, disturbing the peace of the
alone and starving Gollum, singing rap music…
“All the homies in the pad
betta understand
that I’m Bilbo
with one O
and I’m the man.
Cook me up a storm tonight
Betta hold me girl so tight
That’s a pillow
Cuz I ain’t got no
Girl, yea”
“Hello Rapssssey… you look tasty…” Sméagol
said, coming out of the drkness.
“Heak no!
I don’t think so!
You betta let me go or I’ll have a fro!
Dude, don’t mess with the Hair, yo!”
“Sssssss… what’s thisssss…”
“I’m a Hobbit, dude,
you should know!
Don’t be so rude
In cases, I’ll tell you so.
I live in a hole
Where I can’t find a mole
And I was happy.”
“Sure he wasss happy… precious!”
“Yes happy!
What’s with the hissing dog?
Are you a snake
Or did you just do a lot of kissing?
I guess no, or you’d be pumped
But you’re jus plain dumped.”
“Whatsss doesss he wantsss precious?”
“I wanna go,
and neva return
but I might burn
in the exotic heat
I cannot leave and disappear,
Unlike my cousin Took Chad,
But I gotta get outa here!”
“We can helpsss you…”
“Hey, dude! Are you for real?”
“Sure, let me getsss my Birthday Present…”
“Really? Yu’re da Bomb Man!” Bilbo remarked as
Smeagol left to get his drink. But Bilbo felt his earlier hunger come
back to him, so he decided to raid Gollum’s refrigerator and he came to
a cold cup of Eggnog! Surprisingly he didn’t drink it, for eggnog was
his desire, but rather the thought of taking it for himself and
treasuring it… and that’s exactly what he did…
60 years later.... in the Shire:
"This is the One Eggnog. Made by the Dark Lord
Sauron in the Kitchens of Mount Doom! It was supposed to be Marmalade,
but something went wrong and made this tempting.... fizzy... Eggnog!”
Gandalf explained to Frodo.
"Bilbo found it... in Gollum's refrigerator!" Frodo
said, coming to the realization that Bilbo’s stories weren’t the exact
truth.
Gandalf threw it into the fire and took it out.
"Hold out your hand Frodo, it's quite cool!"
"It's so thick and creamy…." Frodo said, as he was
about to take a sip.
"Frodo, no!"
"I'm sorry, Gandalf. It's just so tempting!"
"That is why you must take it to the River, only
there can you dump it. If it makes its way back to Sauron, he won’t
diminish. And he will try to rule the Earth!"
"All right. How hard can it be?"
Frodo went to his dearest friend Samwise’s house to
bring him on the journey. They set off, and headed for the river. It
was located east of Gondor and west of Mordor, dividing the lands
apart.
Through many dangers they smuggled out, and to their
doom they went, which passed over their heads in the form of shadow.
Just as they were making their way to the edge of the river, they came
to notice that there was a pack of armed Orcs on the watch.
"The Rock and Pool is nice and cool. So good for
drinks. We only wish to have a glass of eggnog. So juicy sweet!" the
Orc, Zarf, was singing to himself by the water.
“Halt! What do you bear?” Zuz, another Orc, called
out.
“N-n-n-nothing important. That is a cup of Eggnog
made by a Dark Lord and a message… something about the end of the world
but… Please, Mister Orc sir, don’t hurt me!” Sam quickly blurted out.
The Orcs looked around in surprise. “There I go again! ‘Whenever you
open your mouth, put a glass of Ale into it! And right enough… we only
have an evil cup of eggnog! Oh well!”
“So... this is the answer to all the riddles. Here
by the water I have you, two halflings and a host of Orcs at my call.
The One Eggnog within my grasp,” Zuz, an Orc, said trippingly.
“The Troops are dehydrated, we call for free
refills,” Zarf said to Zuz
"Give up the half-pint she-man!" Zuz called out.
"This, my friend, is a pint and it is not lightly
thrown aside," Frodo said in defense.
"I'll give your name and number to the Nazgûl.
Are you frightened?"
"I do not fear them," Frodo said with hope.
“Is he going to die?” Pippin asked Merry while
watching.
“He’s fading!” Merry answered as Frodo dipped his
finger in the cup and vanished.
Frodo reappeared in the bushes next to Merry. "I can
avoid being seen if I wish," Frodo said laughing. He handed the cup to
Merry. “This is the One Cup of Eggnog, and I’ve got it!” he ended as he
went to help Sam.
“It’s going cold!” Merry whined, passing it to Pip.
“Hey! It’s stuck to my hand!” Peregrine cried trying
to detach it from his hand. “Cool! I’m like spiderman!”
At the Riverbed…
“Where did your mutt-friend go to?” Zuz said to Sam.
"If you want it, come and claim him!" Sam said while
holding a dummy of Frodo.
In this moment the Nazgûl appeared. "What
would make you surrender? Howz about a kingdom of... MUSHROOMS?"
"Mushrooms!! Where?" Pippin said hopping out from
the bushes and running to the River with the cup still in hand.
“Ooppss..”
"What's this? A halfling caught off his guard?" The
Nazgûl asked..
"Cold be heart and hand and bone. Could be travelers
with eggnog far from home," Pippin answered. “Now what about
Mushrooms?”
"Yesss.... tasty, juicy.... MUSHROOMS! Come, let
Nazgûl have the eggnog, come on."
“What can I dine upon? I only have an ice cube and
one of those little umbrellas you put in a Martini… besides, there is
nowhere appropriate that we could sit!”
"If anyone asks for my opinion, which I know they're
not! I'd say we should drink it and be gone!" Merry said, popping out
of the Bushes.
"No that would kill us! Kill ussss!" theNazgûl
said.
“Ok, then. What are we waiting for? Drop it in the
River and let’s go!” Sam urged, whispering to Frodo.
Frodo called out: “Ok, give up the mushrooms and you
get a drink!”
“Ummmm… no!” the Lord of the Nazgûl said.
"I'll drop it!" Pippin yelled, holding the cup over
the water.
"No!! Stupid fat hobbit! Ok, we give mushrooms, we
get Eggnog!” Frodo received the mushrooms and Pippin brought it over to
them, but accidentally dumped it in the river, unable to detach the cup
from his hand.
“Geee… thanks!” Frodo laughed.
"Trickssy hobbits make Nazgûl ashamed...
tricksy...false...."
To their surprise, the Nazgûl faded. But to
their life-dooming surprise, the Orcs survived.
“Uh-oh!” Pippin said. “What are we to do now!?”
“Run!” Zuz answered and smiled, walking towards
them.
But the Orcs caught them first and took them into the treachery rooms.
“Hullo Pip! So you’ve come on this expedition too?”
Merry asked Pippin, not recognizing he was also caught. “Where do we
get bed and breakfast?”
“These mountainsides are quite a catch.” Sam said
looking at the cliff they were nailed to like pictures on a wall.
“Nothing dampens your spirit, does it Sam?” Frodo
answered.
“Those rain clouds might. But I want to hear of the
story of Frodo and the Glass of Eggnog.”
“Oh, yes, my friend. That’s a great story. Where to
begin? … Long ago, in the Kitchens of Mt. Doom…”
The End
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The Tough guide to Fantasy Land, for those
who don't have a magic sword handy.
Guide
written by Diana Wynn Jones (submitted by Ar-Pharazon-(V))
februari 11, 2005
Aragorn: 'I've got a magic sword actually, so I'll stick with
that if you don't mind. Even if it's broken.'
(found on the back of the guide)
Gimli: 'Would have been a lot more use on the quest than three
Elven hairs'
(found on the back of the guide)
Frodo: 'You could've given me that before I got stuck in Emyn
Muil and having to hook up with Gollum to get out.'
(submitted by Menelvagor-(Valar))
Legolas: 'I'm a walking talking guide, you know.'
(submitted by Menelvagor-(Valar))
Nazgûl: 'Would have saved a lot of time locating the
Shire.'
(submitted by Menelvagor-(Valar))
Gandalf: 'I would have preferred a phone book, Shadowfax can
only run so fast.'
(submitted by Menelvagor-(Valar))
Balin: 'I bet ya a Balrog in Moria isn't mentioned, is it?'
(submitted by Menelvagor-(Valar))
Balrog of Moria: 'I bet it doesn't tell when those pesky dwarves
decide to show up again.'
(submitted by Menelvagor-(Valar))
Elrond: 'I would have to discuss the use of that in the White
Council.'
(submitted by Menelvagor-(Valar))
Boromir: 'It's wondrous how such a small thing can have so much
power.'
(submitted by Menelvagor-(Valar))
Ar-Pharazon: 'I hope it mentions the Forgotten Caves. Someone
needs to wake me up soon, all this sleeping is making me sleepy.'
(submitted by Menelvagor-(Valar))
Gollum: 'The Ring!!! I losssst it! *flips pages* That filthy
hobbit sssstole it!! *flips more pages* Where issss it?? *finds recipe
for cooked rabbit* Noooooo! Ussselesssss book! Ruining juicy rabbit!
*throws book away*'
(submitted by Menelvagor-(Valar))
Treebeard: 'A book! BAARRRUUMM!! All those trees killed for
this! I used to know them from acorn! BAARRRUUMM!!'
Pippin: 'Keep your friends close and your drink closer. The same
could be said about this book. Saves a lot of problems where they think
you are underage and you can show them what a Hobbit is.'
(submitted by Wildlife)
Merry: 'I hope it doesn't say pipeweed is one of the best
things to come out of the ground in years. Less for me to have if it
does.'
(submitted by Wildlife)
Theoden: 'It's outdated, doesn't say Saruman has gone evil. But
good thing to know that the Ents do care!'
(submitted by Menelvagor-(Valar))
Beren: 'Good to have a map of Thangorodrim, saves a lot of
searching for Morgoth to steal a Silmaril or two.'
(submitted by Menelvagor-(Valar))
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What you would put up on your Tombstone as
your Tolkien Character.
Idea submitted by Ar-Pharazon-(V)
Ar-Pharazon's tombstone:
"Arphy you can do anything,"
is what Sauron said.
I attacked the gods,
and now I'm pretty dead.
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Humorous remarks on the movie
Link
provided by Haleth-(V). Written by Dr. Oxford, fictional
character.
After consideration, Varda and I found the entire list a bit too much
resembling someone just flaming, so here are Menelvagor's picked quotes
from that
page, plus the link for credit, to click only if you're willing
to brave our warning. See Humor Links.
The article is now hard to find if it exists after the site was picked
up by another site.
The Asbestos Wizard, II.
The giant fire beast thing at the end of part 1 was
breathing a firey
breath hot enough to send heat-distortion waves through the air. The
sheer temperature of the air should have burned off Gandalf's beard and
eyebrows. None of my reading on evolutionary biology reveals a single
reason why a particular race of humans would develop unflammable facial
hair as this would provide practically no advantage in either survival
or mating. *
Magic Mechanics.
Experts on the occult say in order for a wizard to
floorspin a
fully-grown man like Gandalf, he'd need three magical staffs, not two.
Weighty issues.
AKA "Plot Hole No. 273." Even with all that walking
and light eating,
the character of Sam only got fatter.
Rationalization for violence.
Why, in part 1, is the black octopus creature
painted as the bad guy
when it attacks, when one of the Fellowship had clearly been throwing
rocks at it?
*[Note for scholars: In the
books, Gandalf wears Narya, the Ring of Fire, and is not human but
Maia, although with his powers diminished temporarily for an advisor's
role as an Istar, a wizard. He took away the Balrog's fire leaving it a
thing of shadow. -V]
Send Tolkien jokes and links to Varda
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