<Diablo 2>

Introduction

Heya Heya Heya Valarbuddies! The ever-eloquent Elros here with a new Diablo II article written by me for y'all. What's new in this article of rants? A new font! Otherwise the rest of the article is just me whining about everything I like or dislike about this great game. Everything is about the same so don't have a brain hemorrhage trying to figure it out. Many things have happened since my last ranting. v.1.0.4 and v.1.0.5 have been added to Diablo II to make our game playing even better. We have a new president for the media to pick at for the next four years. The Ravens shrunk those Giants at the Super Bowl and I discovered that I can ride my bike really, really fast.

The Stone Of Jordan

What a better way to start than to talk about the Stone Of Jordan (Hereafter referred to as Sappy Object Procured or SOJ). The SOJ has somehow turned into the currency of battle.net. Even if you have top quality rares you cannot get good items without SOJs. Let's say I want a 300 mana leech lance. I have nice rares but I can't get one because the seller wants 10 SOJs. Only Aule has that many SOJs and being greedy will not give any to me. Greedy Greedy Aule. Sure the SOJ is a nice item, but it is so good that it must be used as money. In my opinion Blizzard should kill the SOJ and that skulls should be used as currency. Here are my reasons why:

1. Skulls drop actively in the game
2. They are useful in besides being socketable they may be used in the new Horadric Cube recipe (6 Perfect Skulls+1 rare=another rare of that type.)
3. Instead of saying things are worth half a SOJ or something like that, people could say "How about 3 perfects, and a flawless" or "Let's say 2 Flawless, and 7 Flawed."
4. Skulls look cool

Disco

Derived from the word Discotheque. Thank goodness it's gone.

Power-Leveling

Need to level fast? Having trouble keeping up with the vulgar crowd of whirlwind barbs? Listen up and I'll try to give you some advice on how to level quickly and become a pro at power-leveling. First of all, the most experience will be found in an 8 player game. Due to the shortage of available Valars for this you will probably resort to playing in a public game. This leads to annoyance and PK's which can both be avoided. If people are talking about stupid things or just plain pesterizing (it's a word) you squelch 'em. Keep an eye on your mini-map and if a hostile player approaches you can't handle leave the game. Always leave the game if a PK enters. Or be brave and kill the buggers, they aren't very smart.

When you are power-leveling avoid partying with people unless they are in another Act. It's anti-social but you get more experience, gold, and pick of the items that drop from the monsters you mercilessly slaughter.

Here is a list of areas I think are prime spots for leveling.

• Act 1
  1. Cold Plains-lots of stupid monsters that are easy to kill
  2. Outer Cloister-Great spot because it is always the same layout and the way point is nestled right in the center. Tons of monsters.
  3. Inner Cloister- Following in the tradition of the outer cloister the inner cloister has two super uniques and gobs of other monsters to lay the smack down on. Just watch out for Flamespike (especially in NM and Hell modes)
• Act 2
  1. Sewers - The BEST spot to level in the game. Period. Easy access, lots of items drop, and a nice dank atmosphere make this a comfortable spot to level up. The skeletons are slow, weak, and have the intelligence of a drunken toddler. If you can't level quickly here you are probably that drunken toddler.
  2. Lost City - After busting up a few levels on drunken toddlers, take a walk up to the Lost City and browse the merchandise. Most monsters are combat oriented, stupid, and best of all there aren't any birds with an Attack Rating larger than my ego.
  3. Arcane Sanctuary - This is only a good leveling spot for certain characters. Mainly whirlwind barbs. The monsters travel in little columns (like bowling pins) just begging to be knocked over. I don't level here because I hate specters with a passion that could dim the sun.
  4. Canyon of the Magi - Whirlwind barbs and sorceresses rejoice! The godly place for area-effect attacks is here! Any area attacks work great here simply because the monsters gather up in hordes to attack you.
• Act 3
  1. Great Marsh - I like leveling here simply because Drowned carcasses give nice experience. That's about it.
  2. Kurast Bazaar, Upper, Kurast, and Causeway - These three areas generally are the same styles except with ascending difficulty. Lots of loot and interesting architecture are a pull to these areas. More drunken toddlers here also.
• Act 4
  1. River Of Flame and Chaos Sanctuary - I hate Act 4. Most of it looks the same and the monster's resists are murder on my Toaster Sorci. Most people like this place though because the experience is the highest in the game (until the expansion set, yay!) and the loot is super duper good. Bah.

Weinerdins

Definition of Weinerdin - Paladin who runs slower than a stoned teenager with broken legs. Basically this means all Paladins (with the exception of vigordins). I don't understand why Paladins run so dang slow. You would think with a run that reminds you of Tom Hanks in Forrest Gump they would be able to run rather quickly. Even with fastest run these guys are slow. My ornate-wearing spearazon can easily out-run more lightly armored paladins. I have some theories on why paladins run slower than my dead cat.

1. All the praying on their knees has left their knees cramped and weak.
2. When they run the height their knees reach is so immense that the constant contact between knees and armor cramps their running style.
3. Not enough caffeine.

Necromancers

Prefabricated and Factory-Assembled. It seems nowadays every necro is the same. Try playing differently wussies. Bah.

Election 2000!

The electoral college is worthless. This election was stupid. I think that our president should be decided by a simple process I have come up with. First, put both candidates in a pit of mud. Next, surround them by angry independent voters. Then, arm the angry independents with soggy toilet paper (Charmin for maximum absorption). Finally, have the angry independents pelt the candidates with soggy toilet paper for an hour. The candidate who stays standing the longest is our new president.

Yet again I will talk about Aule

Again I will converse about this mysterious figure. He is mysterious and has too much stuff. Greedy, mysterious Aule. Bah Aule :)

Ice cream + Computer = Bad

Ice cream and computer do not mix. You may be tempted to eat ice cream while using your computer. This is a bad, bad, bad idea. If any of the ice cream gets on the mouse or keyboard it can get it stickified or can cause electrical problems. Eat your ice cream at the dinner table where it belongs.

How to get gold the efficient way!

Pick up and sell these things:

1. Staffs, Scepters, and Wands with + to skills
2. Any normal armor, field plate and up
3. Exceptional armor of any kind (boots, gloves, helms, body armor)
4. Nothing else. Everything else is a waste of your valuable space.

Lance barbs

It seems the sword barbs have disappeared and suddenly gobs of lance barbs have popped up throughout battle.net. After v.1.0.4 was released and the super damage of lances was discovered barbs everywhere switched to lances instead of swords. *coughs* Ulmo *coughs* These guys all use the most-overused skill in the game which is whirlwind. Every single lance barb should be forced to give their lance to a needy spearazon. We have the skills to use lances. You wiener barbs don't. Give your lances to us! Bah.

Unique monsters

These guys are torture in hell difficulty. The only time I ever die is at the hands of these guys. I have compiled a list of the super uniques on my hit list:

1. Flamespike The Crawler. This guy is just mean. Spawned right next to the inner cloister way point with a posse of stun-inducing raccoons, this guy will kill you if you aren't fast on your feet.
2. Dark Elder. My most hated enemy. I play most often in the lost city and encounter him every single time. He has killed me more than anything else in the game and I hate him for it. He does so much frikkin' damage!
3. Sszark The Burning. This guy is nasty too because he is cursed and does a lot of damage. He killed me 5 times the other day. And he has a really stupid name.
4. Hephaesto the Armorer. Everyone hates this guy.

Conclusion (noooooo!)

Here is where I will end my ranting, raving, and whining. As before if you have any death threats, bomb threats, hate mail, compliments, etc. mail to akiwombat@hotmail.com. People have often asked me what an AkiWombat is and where it came from. I don't know where it is and the secret of its origin will never be revealed (maybe for a 300+ lance). Happy gaming!

Rants 2 Statistics: 8986 characters, 1580 words, 174 lines, 87 paragraphs, 5 pages, 1 section, 2 times wienerdin is mentioned, 4 sodas drunken over the period of this ranting, 3 people who will actually read this.